


Pain

by writtensword



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, I had feels and I had to let them out, with a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2016-03-15
Packaged: 2018-05-22 15:58:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6085906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writtensword/pseuds/writtensword
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kara and Cat both suffer from Cat's decision to hire Siobhan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this after I saw the preview for episode 1x14, but without having seen the actual episode. Nothing beta read, not a native English speaker. You may poke me if you see any mistakes.

Kara hovers high above the beach with her back turned toward the ocean. She holds out her arms and spreads her fingers to feel the cool night breeze rush past each digit. National City lies before her quiet and sleepy, and Kara’s eyes lose focus as she stares at the lights, but sees nothing.

 

She cannot think of a time in her life when she has felt this lost and alone. It’s an entirely new sensation, and makes her feel so heavy, so overburdened, that it’s a wonder she can still fly at all. What use are her sensory filters now, when she cannot stop the burning inside of her, the black-flamed despair licking through her veins?

 

In the past she would have considered punching holes into something. Finding an outlet for anger is easy. But this is not anger. This is pure darkness crawling through her like poison, up and up until it reaches her throat and she will suffocate. And there is nothing she can do to stop it.

 

She remembers the feeling of her aunt dying in her arms, that moment when life escaped Astra with one last shallow breath, and the pain that shoots through her at the fresh memory has Kara tightly wrap her arms around herself, fingers digging into her sides.

 

She knows that this is war, that J’onn only did what he had to do to protect Earth. And although he took the life of someone who was family, someone whom she still loved, villain or not, she cannot make herself resent him, cannot tap into that quiet rage.

 

Alex changed that night, too. She does not look into her eyes anymore and there is an emptiness in her hugs. Kara thinks it is because her sister does not know how to deal with Kara’s grief over Astra as well as losing Krypton all over again in a nightmare induced by the Black Mercy. The thing is, Kara does not know how to deal with it either.

 

Because the one place that has anchored her ever since she put on the superhero suit has been ripped from her too. Her sanctuary is no more. And, again, she should blame J’onn for ruining her relationship with her boss and mentor when he impersonated her for a day at work, but the truth is that Cat already started to push her away before that.

 

Out of everything that has been torn from her, losing Cat hits her the hardest. It is the one thing she has not expected. She has survived many physical ordeals and has still come out on top, but that has not prepared her for the pain of Cat’s rejection. Unlike the rest of her body, it seems that her heart is not bulletproof.

 

And now she has been replaced. Cat Grant no longer needs her, and despite an entire world out there for Kara to save she feels useless and unwanted. Fresh tears roll down her cheeks and she curls into a ball up in the air, a lost child among the stars.

 

Oh what she would give to feel a broken arm right now. She briefly considers running rampant until she drains her powers again and is able to feel physical pain, but she has the duty to protect, and a superhero without superpowers is no help to anyone. At least as Supergirl she still has a purpose.

 

And so she endures. She takes a deep breath of the salty night air and unfurls herself, as the wind presses against her and pushes her ever so slightly toward the city that still needs her to be a hero.

 

This is when she hears the sound of a lonely car driving down the empty road below her, and a shuddering breath escapes her, because she does not have to look down to know who is being chauffeured home this late while the rest of the city sleeps.


	2. Chapter 2

Three a.m. is a new record for Cat. Even back in the days when she first started CatCo she has not worked this late into the night. She is exhausted, her headache has evolved into a whole new level of pain, cold and sharp and constant, and her shoulders are so tense she fears she might pull a muscle just from yawning. She massages her temples and sighs as she looks out of the window. Less than a mile and she will be home.

 

Her week has been pure hell, and although she will never admit it to another living soul, Cat knows it is all her own fault. Her plan to push Kara away for good seemed so perfect, so unfailable at first. Hiring a second assistant to take over Kara’s main duties has been the surest way to put the girl who has gotten so under her skin back in her place.

 

And now Kara no longer approaches her with her bright, familiar manner, no longer hovers by the door to her office or goes out of her way to do annoyingly nice things for her. She no longer fidgets under Cat’s gaze, does not talk back, offer input or share boring personal stories. Kara is back to being a meek, little assistant who answers the phones and reschedules meetings. All in all, Cat should consider her manipulative power game a complete success.

 

Except that it has also spectacularly backfired.

 

-

 

Her triumph at seeing Kara confused and hurt by being demoted to second assistant only lasted until her first sip of the disgusting black coffee Siobhan had brought. She drank it with a grimace, willing to make small sacrifices if it meant she could regain that safe emotional distance between Kara and herself.

 

The following morning Kara did not bring her favourite latte, and the hand-pressed guava tree coffee gave Cat a stomach ache, but she drank it anyway. She amused herself with calling Kara ‘Assistant Number Two’ for the better half of the second day, until she noticed that Kara no longer showed any reaction. The usually so expressive face was suddenly closed off to her, and when she looked into Kara’s eyes she no longer saw the fiery passion that once riled her up so much. There was nothing left but a dulled flame, barely there, so fragile that Cat feared it might extinguish if she as much as breathed wrong into Kara’s direction.

 

Somehow Cat had expected Kara to fight back, to challenge her decision to hire Siobhan, but nothing came and it was maddening. It caused Cat to keep lashing out at Kara, pushing for a reaction with increasingly malicious jabs. And whereas the old Kara had always pushed back and had been a proper match for Cat, this new, diminished Kara only retreated further the more Cat pushed.

 

On day three Cat gave up trying to elicit a reaction and decided to concentrate on work again, because suddenly it seemed there was a lot more to do. Layouts were late, staff meetings drudged on without any real results, and although her pride prevented her from commenting on it, Cat had trouble deciphering Siobhan’s handwriting and spent way too much time squinting at her notes.

 

When on day four Cat found her usually inexhaustible M&M stash empty her hand trembled just a little. It was anger, she told herself. She was angry at Kara. Had the younger woman not contacted Adam then Cat would not be forced to do any of this and there would still be M&Ms because Kara, selflessly, quietly, would have refilled them.

 

She sat back down at her desk and stared at her unfinished cup of pretentious, hand-pressed coffee and something snapped. This was all Kara’s fault. Before she realised what she was doing, Cat picked up the cup and threw it with all her might. It smashed loudly against the wall, porcelain shards and coffee raining down upon the carpet.

 

A hush fell over the office, all conversation and typing stopped, and although Cat did not turn to look at her staff, she knew all eyes were on her. Siobhan was at the door within seconds, moving to pick up the broken cup, but Cat stopped her with a raised hand.

 

“Kiera! Clean up this mess!”

 

Not trusting herself to keep calm Cat did not look at Kara when she walked in. She did not watch as Kara quickly collected the remainders of the cup, but she heard the dull clank of shards in her palm.

 

Staring resolutely at her laptop screen all Cat suddenly saw was the memory of Kara cutting herself that day Cat had defended her to her mother. Cat had rushed to find her a bandaid then, and a twisted part of her, somewhere deep in her gut, wished for Kara to cut herself once more now, so that Cat could… what? Press a bandaid to her wound? Soothe the pain? Have an excuse to be _nice?_

 

“That’s enough, get out,” she murmured through clenched teeth, unable to endure Kara’s presence for much longer. Kara left without another sound and Cat rested her trembling elbows upon her desk and buried her face in her palms, taking deep breaths and counting to ten.

 

On Friday morning Cat was a mess. She had not slept all night and she declined the coffee Siobhan offered her in a brand new cup. Kara sat at her desk typing away without acknowledging her, and Cat felt too tired to prod, too weary to continue this little game. It was difficult to focus on anything other than Kara being so nerve-wreckingly quiet outside of the overly polite and sober phone calls she made, and at three in the afternoon Cat finally told Siobhan to send Kara home for the day.

 

Instead of finding the respite she had hoped for, however, Cat spent the next few hours battling with her conscience. Guilt surrounded her like a rising tide, closing in no matter how many times she repeated to herself that Kara was the one at fault. It had been Kara who had caused her oldest son to leave town; Kara who had acted so strangely a week ago.

 

And yet, those things suddenly seemed insignificant. What was a day of acting out when the alternative was this shell of a once radiant girl? The light had disappeared from Kara’s eyes and Cat could not shake the thought that she alone was responsible, and it made her feel _wrong_. She rolled her eyes, appalled at her own sentimentality, and she got up to pour herself a glass of whiskey.

 

Three shots of Bourbon later Cat came to the conclusion that she wanted the old Kara back. She was not sure how to achieve this, because she sure as hell was not going to apologise. She had done nothing wrong. They were boss and employee, she had made that clear to Kara a week ago. That way nobody got confused. Nobody got _hurt_.

 

Cat closed her eyes and clenched her jaw, inhaling deeply through her nose. Was this not the exact thing she had tried to avoid? She rubbed one fisted hand with the palm her other, trying to ease the anxiety that had been brewing in the pit of her stomach all week.

 

It was not that she missed Kara’s bubbliness, her stutters or the affinity for sharing online kitten videos, she told herself. But work had really piled up in the last few days, and Cat could no longer escape the fact that Kara had apparently always done so much more in the background than she had let on.  

 

Too tired to uphold appearances Cat sent Siobhan out for a large double shot latte, and then demanded the entire not-so-secret office stash of Reese’s Pieces from the hobbit, before sending both of them home, leaving her the last person in the office.

 

She sat at her desk with a pounding headache and eyed the two pain relievers Siobhan had left directly on the surface of her desk instead of delivering them in a tiny glass bowl. She thought of the bacteria no doubt crawling all over the pills, but her head was on fire and she still had the entire Sunday layout to approve. And so she swallowed the pills and threw back half of her lukewarm latte and set to work.

 

-

 

Now, as she rests her temple against the cool glass of the car window, Cat feels old and drained, and her defenses are finally low enough for her guilt to catch up. She has been on the verge of crying since about midnight and longs for the safe haven of her home to finally be able to let go.

 

“Damn you, Kara,” she whispers, and there is a lump in her throat she cannot swallow back down.

 

This is when the car suddenly drifts off the road, and Cat is shaken in her backseat as tires leave the asphalt and meet gravel without slowing down. She manages to grab the handle above the window and watches in terror as the car heads directly toward the drop-off to the beach. She closes her eyes and thinks of Carter and of Kara, the two faces she now knows she loves to see the most, and a sob breaks free from her throat as the car jolts into the air.

 

For a moment all Cat hears is the overspinning engine, howling into the night without tires having anything to grab onto, but then there is a tearing sound and the car shakes slightly before all goes quiet, leaving only the heavy pounding of Cat’s heartbeat.

 

She dares to open first one eye, and then the other to find the car floating back toward the road and then being gently lowered to the ground. Flooded by relief that she is once again being saved by Supergirl, Cat pushes the button to remove the partition to the front, ready to give the driver a piece of her mind for his reckless behaviour. But before she can speak the driver side door is ripped open and a blur of long hair and royal blue fabric picks the limp man from his seat and pulls him outside.

 

It takes Cat two tries to open her own door, and her knees are shaking when she steps out into the night and makes her way to the front of the car. There, in the bright glare of the headlights, Supergirl is bending over the driver’s body, hands pushing against his chest.

 

“Come on,” the hero says as she pumps again and again at the man’s heart.

 

“Please!”

 

Her voice is hushed and Cat stands frozen, watching helplessly as Supergirl’s movements become more frantic.

 

“Come on, _please_ ,” she repeats, and although her face is covered by her long hair, Cat can hear her sniffling against her tears.

 

“I’m not letting anyone else die, damnit!” Supergirl sobs, and she pushes so hard at the driver’s chest that Cat hears his ribs break.

 

“Supergirl,” she tries, but the girl keeps going, desperately trying to bring life back to the man whose name Cat does not even remember.

 

“Supergirl!” Cat says again, louder this time. It has the desired effect, because Supergirl stops moving. “He’s gone. Let him be.”

 

“No…,” Supergirl whispers, and she sounds so small and defeated that Cat is taken aback. What happened to National City’s superhero to make her this broken?

 

“Supergirl, are you alright?” Cat reaches out by instinct, but is startled when Supergirl quickly jumps up and out of her reach.

 

“Don’t touch me!” The hero says, her voice sharp. She seems almost... _frightened_.

 

And then their eyes meet, and Cat feels an ice cold realisation slam into her which mercilessly burns every inch of her body as she recognises the emptiness in Supergirl’s gaze.

 

_“Kara…”_


	3. Chapter 3

Hearing her name spoken correctly by this one person digs deeply into Kara’s heart. It flies right past all her defenses, past the wall of numbing pain pulsing inside of her, and when it hits its mark hot waves ripple forth from the wound and wash all over her.

 

Kara feels as if she is standing right at the border between a black abyss and a hopeful dawn. She has no idea how Cat will react, but she desperately wishes for the sun.

 

Cat just stares at her, lips parted, eyes dark and wide, and Kara becomes aware of how heavy both their breathing is as the ocean rushes against the shore below and the wind tosses their hair.

 

There is a fraction of a moment when it looks as if Cat might actually burst into tears, but then she shakes herself and her face hardens as she presses her lips into a thin line. She is angry, and Kara knows that this is the end. She has no emotional strength left within her to justify why she had to lie.

 

She looks up at the stars and takes a steadying breath, before bending down and cradling the lifeless man in her arms. Without another glance at Cat Kara takes off, determined to at least do the one thing that still makes her who she is. Her heart is empty, but her mind is set.

 

It takes her less than five seconds to arrive at National City Memorial Hospital, and she sweeps through the entrance to the ER that is always open to Supergirl. A nurse rushes to her side and helps Kara place the driver onto a gurney.

 

“Heart attack,” Kara says, her voice cracking. “No pulse.”

 

The nurse summons a doctor and attaches a BVM while a second nurse immediately resumes CPR. Kara suddenly feels very out of place under the fluorescent lights and around all this activity, and she takes a step back to let them do their job.

 

She watches as they prepare the defibrillator and she sends a silent prayer to Rao. It shames her that she does not remember the man’s name, but she cannot dig, cannot push through that fog in her head right now, because she left part of herself at the beach and doing any kind of thinking will just force her to realise that she is no longer whole.

 

There is a beep in her ear then, and she turns her head to quietly answer her phone, expecting her sister with an emergency.

 

“Yeah?”

 

Someone shakily exhales on the other end of the line, and Kara immediately closes her eyes and wraps her arms around herself at the surge that rushes through her, because she would recognise Cat’s breathing anywhere.

 

“Kara.”

 

The sound lingers in Kara’s head. She blinks her eyes open with fresh tears to watch a shock being sent through the driver’s chest, and her hands clench at the sides of her supersuit. She has no words for Cat, too afraid of how Cat might respond, and so she just continues to listen to Cat’s breathing, the wind and the ocean in the background while the medical team in front of her fights for the poor man’s life.

 

“Clear!”

 

And another shock briefly lifts the body off the gurney, but the monitor still shows no reaction.

 

Cat remains quiet, and Kara thinks that she might be listening from the other end as the doctor keeps trying to get a pulse. For just a moment Kara can pretend to have Cat’s support, can pretend that she is not alone. The verbal lashing will come and it will ruin her, but right now this is what she needs, just having Cat with her as she watches yet another life slip away.

 

“Again,” the doctor says, and Kara wipes at her tears. The pads are pressed back to the driver’s chest, and as Kara takes in his lifeless form, she sees Astra again, so small and lying so very still on the ground before her.

 

The high voltage crackles through the quiet of the ER and Kara twitches out of reflex.

 

“We have a pulse,” one of the nurses suddenly says, and Kara sees a heartbeat on one of the monitors. It is weak, but it is there. She exales sharply, and there is a strangled sob on the other end of the line. Kara presses against her earpiece, unsure whether she imagined it, but then she hears it. Cat is crying.

 

“Ms… Ms. Grant?” She asks meekly.

 

“Kara,” Cat breathes, and she sounds so raw, and so broken, and so not angry at all, that Kara’s walls instantly crumble.

 

The nurse walks over to her, a small smile on her lips, and she puts a hand on Kara’s arm. In her dazed mind Kara can barely comprehend that they have stabilised the driver and are now transferring him to ICU. She nods while the nurse tells her she is welcome to check on him in a few hours, vaguely aware that she is being thanked and dismissed.

 

“Come back,” Cat says into her ear then, and it burns Kara to the core, because it is precisely what she wants to hear.

 

“Come back to me, Kara. _Please._ ”

 

Kara is outside and in the air before she has time to second-guess herself. If this is a ruse and Cat is going to verbally tear her into pieces then so be it. After that plea Kara just needs to see Cat, needs to see with her own two eyes that after everything that happened Cat still cares about her.

 

She lands a few feet away from the town car, the force of her impact on the road leaving no doubt about how fast she raced back. Cat looks up at her, eyes shining and her face glistening with very real tears, and Kara hesitates. She knows how vulnerable she is right now, knows how much power Cat wields over her. But then she sees that small twitch of Cat’s arm, the one that means she wants to reach out to someone, but holds back out of fear of rejection.

 

And suddenly Kara feels brave enough to slowly walk forward, eyes never leaving Cat’s face, until they stand only a foot apart. Cat’s fingers are shaking, and Kara wants to hold them. As her last point of resistance, however, she clasps her own hands in front of herself instead. It is the last anchor that keeps her from simply grabbing Cat and never letting go.

 

Cat’s gaze is lowered, and this time when she reaches out, so very carefully, Kara allows it. Together they watch as Cat’s hand tentatively slides around Kara’s forearm. More tears roll down Kara’s cheeks, but they are caused by relief now, because Cat’s thumb is rubbing circles over the supersuit, and they stand so close that all Kara can smell is Cat’s hairspray, the faint traces of whiskey and coffee on her breath and that sweet, soothing scent of Cat’s skin at the end of a long day.

 

“I…” Cat begins, and she looks up into the night for courage before looking directly into Kara’s eyes.

 

“I’m... sorry.”

 

And that does it. Cat gives a surprised little yelp when Kara draws her into an embrace, but her hands soon slip around Kara’s lower back below her cape, and her wet face presses against Kara’s throat.

 

“I’m sorry, too,” Kara whispers, and she feels Cat respond by pushing the entire length of her body against her.

 

Darkness flows from Kara then. It is a cautious retreat, but when Cat tightens her grip and sniffles against Kara’s skin Kara comes undone.

 

They quietly cry into each other’s arms and the pain inside Kara’s chest slowly recedes. She feels light and free, and Cat fits so perfectly against her that Kara knows no other hug will ever compare. She does not want to let go.

 

“Walk me home?” Cat asks then. She sounds timid and sleepy, and her breath is warm against Kara’s neck.

 

“Are you sure you want to _walk_?” Kara says, and she pulls back her head to look down at the older woman.

 

Cat’s only reply is to yawn into Kara’s shoulder, and Kara smiles a small, hopeful smile. There is so much they will have to talk about, but now is not the time.

 

“One moment,” she whispers into Cat’s hair.

 

She uses superspeed to switch off the town car’s lights, retrieve Cat’s jacket and bag from the back seat and lock the doors, before scooping Cat into her arms once more and leaping up and into the night.


	4. Chapter 4

Cat wakes up to light flooding her bedroom. She is curled up on her side on top of the bed covers, still wearing the previous day’s clothing. There is a slight dent in the empty spot beside her, and she reaches out and gently touches the memory of Kara by her side.

 

They briefly checked on Carter last night, before Cat found herself being carried, too tired to protest, to her own bed. She held onto Kara’s hand then, tugging as hard as she could while sleep threatened to claim her, silently asking Kara not to go. And Kara-- _warm, soft Kara_ \--stayed.

 

Cat lazily stretches her limbs in the sunlight and rolls onto her back, staring at the ceiling as she remembers she almost blew it when she realised that Kara was Supergirl after all. For just a brief moment last night Cat felt betrayed, causing self-righteous anger to leak through her exhaustion, and Kara, at that moment so visibly frightened of Cat’s reaction, fled.

 

It took Cat only a few seconds of standing abandoned by the road for everything to slide into place. Suddenly she understood all those little things that had not made sense before. The persistent unease in her mind about the inconsistencies in Kara’s behaviour instantly dissolved and Cat was left with only fondness... and regret.

 

Pride could not prevent her from quickly dialling Kara’s number then. And when Kara returned and Cat was finally tucked into her perfect embrace, she felt the apology fly from her lips so naturally, so effortlessly, that there was no doubt left in her mind that this was meant to be.

 

Cat’s hands slide to her stomach where she feels a warm flutter at the memory of Kara’s strong arms around her. The feeling threatens to bubble up into her chest, and she quickly turns her face into her pillow in a muffled groan. _Not yet._ She cannot let herself go when so many things have been left unsaid.

 

Kara is not here anymore, and Cat wonders if there was a Supergirl emergency some time during the night, or whether the younger woman simply left as soon as Cat was asleep. She almost worries that she somehow, unknowingly, pushed Kara away again. Except that she also recalls the image of their clasped hands on the covers between them and the way Kara’s eyes sparkled in the moonlight right before Cat drifted off to sleep.

 

It takes some effort not to smile, and Cat internally scolds herself for feeling this hopeful and giddy. Now that she knows for sure that Kara is actually Supergirl she is no longer able to ignore the secret affection she feels for both her sunny assistant and National City’s superhero. The realisation that instead of the two halves that she could not quite figure out, Cat is simply drawn to the person they form as a whole is a relief.

 

She hears the faint sounds of the living room TV, and this time her lips easily break into a full smile. Carter is up and watching his Saturday morning cartoons, and, eager to see her son, Cat takes a deep breath and pushes herself out of bed. She hurries to her bathroom and washes off the previous day’s makeup before brushing her teeth. After dropping her clothes into the hamper by the sink she combs out her hair until it is straight, soft and shiny. Then she leans forward and squints at her face in the mirror.

 

There are bags under her eyes, and her cheeks look a bit puffy from last night’s tears. Cat hopes Carter won’t notice and ask her if she is alright. He is so observant and caring that it will prove difficult to keep anything from him. She takes a deep breath and ties her hair into a tiny, messy pony tail, before walking back into her bedroom and pulling on some bamboo fibre yoga pants and her favourite oversized “mother-and-son-fun-time” Comic Con sweatshirt she bought with Carter three years ago.

 

The happy sound of Carter’s giggle fills her ears as well as her heart when she pads down the hallway on bare feet, and her fingers curl around the edge of her much-too-long sleeves while she bites her bottom lip and walks the rest of the way on her toes. She quietly moves down the steps into the open living area, ready to sneak around the couch to surprise Carter with a morning hug, when she sees a flash of red and blue jumping up from the floor next to her son.

 

“Ms. Grant! G-good morning!”

 

Despite the supersuit this is all Kara, a nervous, squinty smile in place and her fingers fumbling in front of her. Cat’s heart thumps loudly in her chest at seeing the younger woman so unexpectedly soon, but she feels warmth, too, because Kara has actually stayed, and Cat feels that annoying happy flutter in her belly again. Until, that is, she realises she is dressed for a domestic morning with her son.

 

Before she has a chance to feel self-conscious about her casual clothing and her unstyled face and hair, however, Cat has her arms full of a very excited Carter.

 

“Mom! You brought home Supergirl!!”

 

Over the top of his head Cat watches Kara’s eyebrows knit together in apology.

 

“I’m sorry, Ms. Grant. H-he kind of walked in on…,” she does not say ‘us’, but it lingers unsaid between them and Cat’s heart beats faster.

 

“Yeah, sorry mom,” Carter says, pulling away just enough for her to drink in his adorable, radiant face. “I just wanted to check that you were home, because I didn’t hear you come in last night. And then when I opened your door,” he turns in her arms and waves in Kara’s direction, “I found Supergirl standing by the window!”

 

Cat is relieved that Kara was apparently quick enough to get up, before Carter saw them lying in bed together. She takes a deep breath to shake off the image that might have otherwise greeted Carter.

 

“I told him about the accident you were involved in, Ms. Grant,” Kara explains. “And that you were fine, but that I stayed and watched over you, just to make absolutely sure.”

  
Cat feels heat suffuse her cheeks as she imagines Kara watching her all night.

 

“We decided to let you sleep, because you worked so late,” Carter says, and Cat sees the pride in his eyes when he refers to Supergirl and himself as a unit. She hugs him tightly one more time and then pulls away to ask, “have you eaten breakfast, Sweetheart?”

 

The light dusting of powdered sugar at the corners of his mouth is a dead giveaway, and she enjoys his little blush when he side-glances at Kara.

 

“Yeah… Supergirl flew out for some, uhm, _food,_ ” he says, and Cat knows exactly what kind of ‘food’ he is talking about.

 

And although her and Kara still have to talk, and there are still wounds to close and trust to rebuild, Cat feels more peaceful than she has in weeks. The thought of her son eating sickeningly sweet pastry for breakfast does not horrify her as much as it probably should. Her thumb gently brushes the sugar from Carter’s mouth, causing him to give her that crooked ‘damn, I’ve been caught’ smirk she cannot help but love so much.

 

“Uhm… t-there’s coffee, too,” Kara says in a clear attempt to appease Cat with the promise of caffeine.

 

Cat smiles at her over Carter’s shoulder and raises an eyebrow. “Is it hot?”

 

“Of course, Ms. Grant.”

 

And so Cat finds herself curled on the couch with a perfect latte cradled in her lap and a custard-filled doughnut in her mouth while her son asks Supergirl about her home planet. At first Kara is hesitant and there is clear anguish written on her features at the mention of Krypton. Her eyes find Cat’s, whether to ask permission to divulge alien secrets to her son, or to seek reassurance that these secrets will be safe, Cat is not sure. But she nods, gaze open and lingering on the slowly relaxing superhero on her living room floor.

 

She listens to stories of endless spires that reach high into a reddened sky, of science councils and exploding moons. She listens to Kara speak of her mother and father and of her favourite childhood games. There is a pause when Kara mentions her aunt, and Cat briefly sees the empty look return to her eyes. It is short-lived, however, because Kara quickly squints it away and instead talks about her favourite Kryptonian school subjects, all of which greatly excite Carter.

 

Cat is so absorbed, so distracted by how Kara’s hands dance as she talks, how her hair, illuminated by sunlight, gently falls into her face only to be brushed behind an ear again, that she is startled when the front gate intercom buzzes to life.

 

She forgot that it is Saturday. Quickly her eyes find the wall clock, and she sees Carter do the same, and indeed, it is past one in the afternoon and Carter’s father is waiting outside.

 

“Mom, I don’t want to go,” he says as he slowly stands from his cushion on the floor. His gaze is lowered and he agitatedly scratches at his wrist the way he does when he feels sad or anxious.

 

“I know, Sweetheart,” Cat replies, and she slides off the couch and hugs him, hands gently sliding down to grasp and still his own. “I’m sorry, Carter. Although, I’m sure Supergirl is needed somewhere else by now, too.”

 

“Supergirl,” he does not look at Kara when he addresses her, his voice at that moment sounding so much more like the voice of a child than that of an early teen, “will I see you again?”

 

Kara stands and immediately looks at Cat, the question in her eyes encompassing so much more than Carter’s request alone. Will she still have a job with Cat come Monday? Will Cat still allow her in her life? Does Cat still _want_ her in her life?

 

“Yes,” Cat says, and she uses her gaze to convey all the hope and warmth she woke up with, until, finally, Kara is visibly relieved and her lips pull into that sunny Danvers smile Cat can finally admit she is very fond of.

 

Heart racing due to the sudden flare of giddiness inside her, Cat turns to her son, “yes, you will see Supergirl again.”

 

She wants to add that he might even see a lot more of her in the near future, but that is a little presumptuous and she does not want to get his hopes up. Nor her own.

 

“Cool, thanks mom!.” And with that Carter dashes away to get his bag, while Cat hurries to answer the intercom that has just buzzed a second time. “He’ll be right out.”

 

When she turns she finds Kara standing next to the couch in the middle of the living room, looking kind of lost and so very adorable.

 

“I should go fly by the hospital,” she says, but from her stance and her fumbling fingers Cat can tell that she is reluctant to leave.

 

Cat knows that duty calls and that she has monopolised too much of the hero’s time already, but that does not stop her from wishing Kara could stay.

 

“Say goodbye to Carter first?” She asks, not quite ashamed that she is using her son to keep Supergirl with her a while longer.

 

“Of course.”

 

They are quiet then, standing on opposite sides of the open living space, and suddenly Cat has to fight the nervous urge to bite her nails. She is aware again of her messy pony tail stub, of her make-up free face and the oversized nerd sweater, and she worries. This side of her is her own secret identity. And whereas Kara’s secret is being a gorgeous superhero who can fly and who probably lives forever, Cat’s secret is that she is human, that she is old and lonely, and that she has weaknesses, two of which are currently in her home.

 

“Goodbye, Supergirl!” Carter yells as he propels himself across the room and into Kara’s arms. “Thank you for spending time with me. And for saving my mom. Again.”

 

“You’re welcome, Carter,” Kara replies, and now she is fully Supergirl, the charming hero that has always caused Cat to swoon a little, even at the very beginning.

 

Carter comes over to hug Cat as well, and she squeezes him, inhaling his scent and ruffling his curls.

 

“Be, good.” She kisses the top of his head. “I will see you tomorrow evening.”

 

“Yes. Bye!”

 

He pulls away smiling and waves at both of them, and then he is out the door and races toward his father’s waiting car, no doubt very excited to talk about his unbelievable morning with his favourite superhero.

 

When Cat closes the door behind him she leans against it, unwilling to look into Kara’s direction in case the younger woman has already left. But then a soft “Cat?” draws her eyes and she looks up to find Kara slowly bridging the distance between them until she is about a foot away.

 

“May I, uhm, may I come back?” Kara asks, and for a moment Cat is confused, because she thinks she has already given her okay for Kara to spend more time with Carter.

 

Then Kara clarifies, her eyebrows scrunching together, “I mean, uh,… later today _._ After all the... ‘superhero stuff’.”

 

Cat smirks at her air quotations, feeling a little less inadequate in her yoga pants when Supergirl is this--how did Leslie once put it?-- _adorkable_.

 

“Yes,” she says as she steps away from the door, before adding, “please,” which immediately brings back that disarming sunny Danvers smile. “I feel we still have a lot to talk about.”

 

Kara nods. “Yes, there are some things I want to explain to you, Cat.”

 

“Me too.” And Cat knows that above all else she wants to make right everything she has done wrong in the past few weeks.

 

“Now, go be a hero, Kara,” she says then. “And give me at least an hour to shower and make myself somewhat presentable.”

 

She subconsciously pulls at her ponytail, but the playful scowl she has planned falters when Kara reaches down and gently squeezes her hand.

 

“I think you look beautiful, Cat.”

 

There is shy smile on her lips when she says, “see you soon!” And then the door is swung open and Supergirl is gone in a flash, leaving a rattled Cat with a hand pressed to her chest in an attempt to calm her racing heart.


	5. Chapter 5

Kara flies with her eyes closed, the warmth of the setting sun guiding her toward the coast.

 

After checking on Cat’s driver and meeting his very grateful family she needed to help extinguish a fire at a retirement home and rescue the remaining residents. Then there was an escaped llama on the eastern highway whose capture took the rest of the afternoon, and only once the stressed animal was safely in the hands of National City farm sanctuary staff did Kara return home for a quick shower.

 

As she closes in on the beach house she sincerely hopes she got the scent of smoke and llama out of her hair. But she feels good for helping, feels good for being needed and making a difference. The darkness she felt during the past few days has almost disappeared, although traces of it linger in the corners of her mind, making her slightly anxious as she lands behind a trimmed hedge in front of Cat’s home and quickly changes into her civilian clothes.

 

She presses the intercom button at the gate and waits, nervously clutching the bag of take-out in her hands. There is no reply, and after trying one more time, Kara listens to the sounds of the house, only to find it silent and empty. She worries that she might be too late and that Cat gave up and left to go somewhere more important with someone more entertaining, but then she hears the dull clinking of a glass being set down on a table behind the house.

 

Taking a deep breath for courage, she shakes out her nerves and uses superspeed to hurry around the building, where on the backyard terrace she finds Cat stretched out in a long chair. The curls are back, perfectly styled and bouncy and shining golden in the afternoon sunlight, and Kara remembers the softer version of Cat from earlier, the one with the cute, little ponytail and the Comic Con sweater that she is dying to ask about. She wonders if she will get to see any of it again.

 

Due to the large sunglasses on the older woman’s face Kara is not sure whether or not she has been noticed. And so, as she walks up, hands flittering down to smoothen her favourite blue sundress with the tiny white stars, she clears her throat and waves her empty hand in greeting.

 

She expects a comment about being late, about how preppy and ‘SEARS catalog’ her outfit looks or how silly it is that although Cat knows her true identity now she still opted to wear her glasses. But Cat just turns her head in Kara’s direction and beckons her closer, lips stretching into a tiny smile.

 

“Hi.” Kara is breathless when she arrives, because Cat has removed her sunglasses and is nibbling on one of the earpieces, her gaze unreadable as she studies her.

 

“I brought food,” Kara offers self-consciously, and she hates that she has left behind her suit, because without it she feels shy and vulnerable. Especially after calling Cat beautiful earlier and then just storming off.

 

“Leave it on the table and come,” Cat leans over and pats the cushion of the chair beside her. “Sit.”

 

Kara does as she is told, and once she is seated she folds her hands between her knees and grins awkwardly. “Hi.”

 

“You already said that,” Cat smirks and places her sunglasses next to her glass of whiskey on the table in front of them.

 

“Oops, sorry,” Kara apologises and she cannot stop an uneasy giggle that makes Cat roll her eyes.

 

“Kara,” she says, and her hand finds Kara’s wrist, thumb ever so lightly brushing against the exposed skin above Kara’s knee. “Relax.”

 

There is a tremble in Cat’s fingers that betrays her nerves, and Kara feels a bit calmer when she recognises the uncertainty in Cat’s eyes.

 

“The driver will be okay,” she tries to distract the both of them with some good news. “He has a bypass operation scheduled for next Tuesday, and when I visited there was a dietitian talking with his family, so I think things will work out.”

 

“Good,” Cat replies quietly as she removes her hand from Kara and then adds, “make sure CatCo takes care of all his hospital bills.”

 

Kara smiles at that. During the years as Cat’s assistant she has come to expect nothing less from the so-called ‘uncaring Ice Queen’, but being given such a task also means that Cat expects her to show up at work on Monday.

 

“So does that mean I still have a job?”

 

“Yes,” Cat tilts her head to the side and her eyes move between Kara’s lips and her eyes. ”If you want it.”

 

“I do,” Kara says simply, and she watches some of the tension leave Cat’s shoulders while a satisfied little smile stretches across Cat’s lips and crawls right into Kara’s heart.

 

They are silent then, gazing at each other freely and unhurried, and Kara feels that they are back to how they were before everything went wrong. She wants to hold on to this moment and to the way Cat looks at her, because the conversation ahead is daunting

 

After a while Cat reclines back in her seat and closes her eyes to face the sun once more. Kara’s gaze lingers on Cat’s casual white blouse and charcoal slacks, before trailing down outstretched legs and bare feet that are crossed at the ankle. Cat looks relaxed, and even though Kara knows that a lot of it is simply exhaustion, she feels her own anxiety recede. As odd as it might be after the week they have had, Kara feels safe again with Cat. And it feels like coming home.

 

“What did you mean when you said you’re not letting anyone else die?” Cat asks suddenly, and Kara does not flinch, does not recoil at the painful memory the question evokes.

 

“My aunt...” Kara swallows against the lump in her throat as the last tendrils of darkness lick through her veins.

 

“Your aunt from Krypton?” Cat’s voice is gentle, and her eyes return to Kara.

 

“Yes. She was killed by... someone I cared about.”

 

It hurts so much to think of J’onn and what she still thinks of as his betrayal, but Kara allows the burn, allows Cat to see her devastation, because she finally fully trusts the Queen of all Media.

 

“When was this?” Cat straightens, visibly shocked by the revelation.

 

“Last Friday.”

 

“Well,” Cat turns to fully face her, legs swinging around so she can put her feet in the space between the two chairs. “That explains why you were behaving so strangely that day.”

  
“No, that wasn’t me!” Kara interjects. She still does not know everything that J’onn, disguised as her, has said and done to Cat to bring on the horrors of the previous week, but she needs Cat to understand that it was not her.

 

Cat studies her then, eyes wandering across her face, following the lines of her neck and shoulder, before moving down to Kara’s wringing hands, where her gaze briefly lingers as she mulls over this new information. When she looks back up, Kara can tell that Cat believes her.

 

“What happened?” Concern is lacing her voice. “Where were you?”

 

“I was sort of in a coma most of the day,” Kara answers quietly, eyes lowering away from Cat’s inquisitive gaze, suddenly aware that she is about to divulge state secrets to a member of the press.

 

“You were in a coma? Why was I not informed?!”

 

Kara’s eyes fly back up, startled by the pained tone. Cat looks truly upset, and Kara can see the guilt in her face. She has to fold her hands between her knees again or she might reach for the older woman.

 

“Well, technically I was attacked by a creepy parasitic alien species that fed off me by trapping me in a dream world I did not want to leave.”

 

It is Cat then, who reaches across the small space between them and takes one of Kara’s hands.

 

“You dreamed of Krypton, didn’t you?” It does not sound like an accusation.

 

“How do you know that?”

 

“The way you spoke of your home planet this morning,” Cat explains, and her thumb gently strokes over Kara’s wrist as she continues. “You carry a lot of love for your old world, Kara. It comes alive when you speak.”

 

Kara has to take a shaky breath then, because her chest burns and there are tears in her eyes. Tears for her parents, for little Kal-El who never got to grow up under a red sun; tears for a world that, as it turns out, was imperfect and conflicted, but was also her own. She holds on to Cat’s hand and squeezes her slender fingers when the words that she has longed to say to Alex and her friends, but could not, finally burst forth.

 

“I lost them all again,” she cries softly, and Cat takes her other hand as well and gently cradles both of them in the palms of her own. “And it hurt _so_ _much_.”

 

“I’m so sorry,” Cat’s voice cracks, and Kara sees tears roll down her perfect cheekbones.

 

“I know that I had to come back,” Kara says, and she looks down at their joined hands, marvelling at how the light strokes of Cat’s fingers smooth over the sharpness of the memory. “But I could not speak to my sister, or my friends. I could not look at them, because they expected me to say that my home was here, with them, when at that moment I wasn’t sure anymore.”

 

Cat doesn’t say anything for a while, but her fingers continue their caress.

 

“And are you sure now?” She asks then.

 

Their eyes meet, and Kara thinks she sees something in Cat’s face. An offering, or perhaps a promise.

 

“Remember that day when you asked me to show you my cape?”

 

Cat frowns at that, probably not sure where Kara is going with this, but there is a tiny smirk that makes her teary eyes sparkle as she remembers.

 

“Yes?”

 

“I meant what I said then, about needing you. CatCo was always a place where I felt normal. Where I felt at home.”

 

“ _Was?_ ” Cat seems hurt by the past tense. “Until I ruined it, you mean?”

 

Kara grimaces. She feels Cat’s hands begin to pull away, and so she shifts forward just in time to gently grab her by the elbows.

 

“Cat...”

 

“No, no. I understand,” Cat sighs. “I was petty and cruel.”

 

She looks up at the sky and tilts her head to the side in her typically snarky Cat Grant way, although her tone is lacking conviction. “I mean, more petty and cruel than usual.”

 

She pauses and takes a deep breath, eyelashes fluttering as she braces herself.

 

“I was _confused..._ and _hurt_ ,” she emphasises the words from her speech a week ago, “and I treated you horribly.” Her eyes return to Kara, and they are brimming with pain and regret. “For which I am very, very sorry.”

 

There are fresh tears rolling down her cheeks and her palms slide over Kara’s lower arms, fingers grabbing and digging into Kara’s skin, searching for forgiveness.

 

“Cat,” Kara’s voice trembles. She already forgave her last night when Cat’s sleepy, tear-stained face pressed against her throat, when she carried her through the night, and when they fell asleep holding hands. “It’s okay.”

 

“No, it’s not,” Cat sniffles, and there is clear disdain in her face. “I turned into my mother.”

 

Kara’s answer is quick. “You’re _nothing_ like your mother.”

 

Cat appears startled by the conviction in her tone, her lips parting in a gasp, and suddenly Kara becomes aware of how close they are, of how warm Cat’s hands are on her arms, and how particularly beautiful she looks in the sunset, with the ocean breeze gently moving her hair, her eyes dark and shiny as they flick down to Kara’s mouth.

 

“I...” she feels her own gaze drawn to Cat’s lips, and her heart races when the sudden strong urge to kiss her emerges from deep within her belly.

 

“Uh,” Kara clears her throat, eyes darting away and hands falling from their lose grip on Cat’s elbows. “The food! We s-should,” she stutters, “eat the food.”

 

Cat’s fingers remain on her skin, though, and Kara chances a quick look back up to find her face soft with wonder, curious eyes boring into Kara’s. Slowly she removes her hands from Kara’s arms, thumbs sliding all the way down to Kara’s wrists before letting go.

 

“Food. Right.”

 

Kara stands on wobbly legs to pull out various small containers from the bag on the table, and Cat retrieves her glass and swallows the remaining whiskey with a noisy gulp.

 

“Would you like something to drink?” She asks, and Kara, who feels inexplicably parched, nods.

 

“Yes. J-just water please.”

 

When Cat disappears inside the house Kara attempts to take a deep breath, but it is shaky and shallow, and she just ends up hiccuping when her hands fly to her glowing cheeks. She is sure she is blushing, but she hopes that in the orange light Cat has not noticed.

 

Alex likes to sometimes tease her about her crush on Cat, but up until now Kara has never taken it too seriously. It is something her and her sister occasionally acknowledge and laugh about, because it is nothing other than a safe, little hero crush that elicits secretive giggles and a warm hidden feeling in her stomach. It is supposed to be fun and innocent, not this all-consuming and _real_.

 

But then Kara realises that the most devastating thing about her awful week has been losing Cat. And somehow it does not surprise her, because Cat has always been her anchor, has always been her beacon in the dark, be it as Supergirl or as Kara. And so she allows the realness to settle over her, feels it in her palms as she presses against the violent flutter in her chest. Suddenly Kara understands that she does not have a crush on Cat.

 

She is in love.

 

Kara has to close her eyes then, because her whole body comes alive with light. Her heart is pounding, and a smile blooms on her lips. She is so distracted by her realisation and the sudden burst of happiness, that she does not hear when Cat returns and leans around her to set a water glass on the table. Her scent and her warmth instantly permeate Kara’s very skin, and she has to hold on to the table in order not to swoon.

 

“Sushi?!” Cat says then, and Kara opens her eyes to an annoyed frown on a face that is much too close. “I thought we went over this? After the oil spill you caused and all that conflicting information about the Fukushima fallout...”

 

“... you don’t want to eat fish anymore,” Kara interrupts in a breathy whisper that makes Cat blink at her in confusion. “Yes, I remember. Which is why I got vegetable sushi,” she finishes, and her smile is smug, because she did something right, but it is also warm and affectionate, because she can no longer hide how Cat makes her feel.

 

“Hmmm.” Cat squints at her, and Kara can tell she knows that something has changed. “You are obviously very excited about the prospect of food. So, please, go ahead.”

 

Thinking it best to get a bit of distance between them again, Kara nods and sits back down in her chair. She pulls a rolled-up cloth napkin from the food bag and carefully unfolds it to reveal her two favourite sets of cherry wood chopsticks that Alex once brought as a gift from Japan.

 

“Here you go,” she offers one to Cat. “I wasn’t sure if you have any outside the office, and I know you’d never touch the splintery single-use ones that come with the meal. So I brought some of mine.”

 

Cat raises an eyebrow, but there is a definite upward tilt at the corners of her mouth, and she sits down at the edge of her chair and accepts the chopsticks.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Kara hands Cat a container of avocado and sweet potato rolls and then pulls an extra large box of inari sushi onto her own lap. She waits for Cat to take a first, tentative bite and give a slight nod of approval, before digging in herself.

 

Seven pieces of sushi in about as many seconds later and Kara can feel Cat’s eyes on her, Slightly worried, she looks up, chopsticks with piece number eight slowly sinking back down.

 

“What?” She asks around the mouthful of sticky rice and sweet soy pockets, noting how especially adorable Cat’s cheeks are when she smirks.

 

“At least now I understand how you can always eat so much,” Cat says, tilting her head to the side and pointedly looking from the half empty container on Kara’s lap, up to her lips and then her eyes.

 

Kara manages to swallow her food before responding. “Well, flying burns a lot of calories.”

 

Cat’s smirk widens into a playful grin. “I bet it does.”

 

Kara knows she is blushing again, and this time Cat definitely notices, because her smile softens and her eyes linger on Kara’s face, her gaze tender.

 

“Kara,” she says then, putting her barely eaten food back on the table so that her hands are free to fidget in her lap. “The way I treated you… I want you to know that none of that was your fault. You did nothing wrong.”

 

“Okay,” is all Kara can whisper, because love surges through her at the way Cat nervously curls and flexes her fingers.

 

“When Adam was here,” Cat continues, her eyes darting up at the darkening sky, “I thought that pushing the two of you together would help me put you into a safe and appropriate layer around my heart.”

 

“Because, Kara,” and here she looks back at her, slight accusation in her tone, “by then you had already wormed your way past my defenses, and it was confusing, and it scared me, because you were getting too close to the core.”

 

Kara does not speak the ‘sorry’ that is on her lips, because the smile Cat gives her then is so sad and so small.

 

“I thought what I needed in order to regain control was to hurt you and to push you away.” Her voice softens into a whisper and her hands press flat against her chest. ”Turns out that you were already inside my heart. And that by punishing you, I punished myself.”

 

“Cat.” Kara puts away the sushi and holds out her arms, “come ‘ere.”

 

For just a second Cat hesitates, but then she leans forward so that Kara can pull her onto her lap and wrap both arms tightly around her. Cat’s hands slide around her shoulders, her face pressing against her throat again, and Kara thinks that the feeling of Cat’s breath on her skin is like a kiss of summer.

 

“I missed you,” she speaks into Cat’s hair, and fingers tenderly scrape at the nape of her neck when Cat moves her lips to Kara’s ear and whispers, “I missed you, too.”

 

They embrace just like they did the night before, breathing each other in, revelling in each other’s warmth. Kara uses superstrength to lift Cat along with her as she leans back into the chair, and Cat moves her legs over the armrest and sighs as she places her forehead against Kara’s cheek.

 

“That other girl’s coffee is the worst,” she says then, her voice pure contempt, and Kara cannot help but giggle at the sudden outburst. “I will fire her first thing Monday morning.”

 

Cat’s fingers are still stroking Kara’s neck as she continues. ”But I was thinking that maybe a second assistant could indeed be useful.”

 

Kara tenses, but Cat presses a warm hand to her breastbone.

 

“Hear me out. I want you to be free to leave whenever the city needs you. Having a second assistant to answer phones while you’re out saving lives will make things a lot easier.”

 

The logic is sound, but the prospect of having to share Cat still makes Kara uneasy.

 

“But,” Cat leans away to look at her, and Kara is mesmerised by how the lines in Cat’s face make her fingertips ache with a need to touch, to map and caress. “You will always be my number one.”

 

Kara leans forward then, her lips lightly pressing against the corner of Cat’s mouth, and Cat exhales sharply through her nose. Kara wonders if she has overstepped, and she is about to pull away when Cat cradles the back of her head and guides them back together in a proper kiss that is soft and gentle and warm.

 

They tighten their hold and melt together until Kara hears their racing hearts beat as one. Her fingers are spread wide where her palms press against Cat’s spine, and suddenly there is pure light licking through her veins, and it burns a thousand times hotter than darkness, because she is Supergirl and Cat Grant is her sun.

 

The End


End file.
